Sorry is the hardest word to say

Further revelations about MP Hone Hereortherea have shocked parliament today, when a Herald investigation revealed he was in fact the son of legendary Tu Tai Takaway activist "Honkey" Hereorthera, exposed in 1977 as having no Mowri blood at all because he was in fact Dave Rudge, a recent emigre from the Isle of Dogs in London's East End.

Honkey, who at the time went by the name Huka Zifi'm Hereortherea, become famous after a series of vicious attacks on white European dominance in NZ, and fronted the now defunct White Assets for Mowri campaign, which proposed the sequestration of all assets owned by NZ Europeans, for the benefit of the Mowri State Gambling Fund.

Honkey's true identity was revealed when he inadvertently used his real passport to prove his age when buying a case of RTDs at a SuperCheep Licker store in Huntly. An overnight cause celebre, he quickly faded into obscurity after moving to Waiheke to take up a position as a parking warden.

As the only really vociferous Mowri rights campaigner in the 70's, his exposure and subsequent discreditation left the movement in tatters.

His successor and, as we now know, his son, who was christened "What'sittoTariana Ifi'm Hereortherea", is now expected to be dismissed as a charlatan on the grounds that his campaigning for Mowri rights is about as appropriate as Hendrik Verwoerd campaigning for the ANC.

Hone, who hit the headlines recently last week over a leaked , racially abusive email, appeared in Parliament to apologise for the email, but his statement, which read: "tell those white mother**ckers I'm sorry I called them white mother**ckers, the white mother**ckers" was considered by many to be inadequate, and lacking in remorse.

Prime Minister Don Key, who's coalition with the Mowri Party seems to have mellowed him, seemed relaxed about the whole affair. "That's just Hone", he said, "I was sharing a joint, er joint committee meeting with him yesterday, and I called him a Dorky Borstard and he took it in good part; like himself, he appreciates it when people call a spade a spade."

Swine flu over the cuckoo's breast

A slip of the tongue has had disastrous consequences for the NZ wine industry.

The decision to destroy over 1billion bottles of carefully stockpiled wines, including some outstanding central Manukau Pinot Noirs and rare Southland merlot - viogniers, was taken at a NZ Wine Association’s emergency meeting as one of a number of measures introduced to combat what was thought to have been a virulent outbreak of Wine Flu.

David Gnarlyvine, the CEO, had been listening to the radio at home in his King Country farm when he overheard a news item which gave him grave concerns. “The World Health Organisation has declared a Wine Flu pandemic! Or so he thought.

Displaying the sort of agility which got him elected in the first place, Gnarlyvine instantly convened a meeting of the board, at which only he was present. Under emergency powers granted to the Wine Association president after last year’s S&P (Sips and Pours) downgrade of Kiwi wine, he was able to declare the meeting quorate and took what now appears to be a rather hasty decision. A phone call to the stockpile centre in Hamilton lead to the instant incineration of over a billion unsold bottles of NZ’s finest.

It was only later that day when his hearing aid was returned from the menders that he realised his mistake, after which he offered his instant resignation.

“David Gnarlyvine has been, until this unfortunate event, a good servant to the NZ wine industry”, said president elect Bob Screwtop - Cork. “But as we in the industry say, he really Chateau Vidaflore with this one”.

A phone call to the WHO in Geneva revealed that there is a yet no Wine Flu epidemic, although they refused to rule out the possibility at some future date.

In the meantime, Swine Flu fever continues to grip NZ, with over 1m confirmed cases. Minister for Pandemics Rodney Hideanseek today issued a statement regretting the destruction of the domestic wine industry but praising the vigilance, albeit mistaken, which led to this unhappy event. “It’s this sort of quick thinking which will have us near the top of the WHO health league tables”, he said; “It’s good to see us once again punching above our weight as a small country”

Accidental tourists

The future of Tourism NZ has been thrown into doubt amidst shock revelations that secret Tourism NZ agents have been acting as political agitators in Fiji, Samoa, New Caledonia and The Gold Coast.

Political commentators have been concerned for some time that unrest, military coups and the like have been a little too coincidental in these areas, and have suspected the possibility that the situations have been manipulated by a foreign power.

Allegations made in Parliament by Mr Winston Cheaters that Tourism NZ had been stirring up trouble abroad in order to make NZ more attractive to tourists were initially met with ridicule, but this morning Havena Veesa, the Fijian born head of Tourism NZ resigned after making a statement admitting the truth of Mr Cheater’s assertions.

Amongst the allegations are accusations that Tourism NZ agents did; make unnecessary, loud complaints in restaurants about the quality of food; add 42 Below Vodka to hotel water supplies; replace good vintage wines with cabernet-chardonnay varietals grown on Waiheke Island in many outlets; make hotel bookings under phoney names and then not turn up; supply large quantities of Chinese weapons to military groups and attempt to assassinate political leaders.

Tourism earnings in NZ have been on a sharp decline since most people realised it was simply too far to travel, when poor service, cheap hotels and camper vans were readily available much closer to home. Ms Veesa, in her resignation statement, pleaded the mitigation of pressure to turn an industry in decline back to profitability.

Former tourism minister Helun Clark said that she understood the pressures Ms Veesa had been under, and admired her iconic Kiwi ingenuity in attempting seek an “outside the box” solution.

Prime Minister Don Key, who also holds the tourism portfolio, said that he expected the problem was a cyclical one which could be eradicated in the short term by tax cuts and the sale of public assets. He then left for his annual holidays in Australia.

In other news, Coffs Harbour mayor Franck Bainainirama has resigned.

Scaling the Summit

The government’s much vaunted Jobs Summit has opened with a powerful speech by PM Don Key calling for “a better, fairer New Zealand in which the rich can get richer and damn the consequences”

He was followed by economist Joe King, who called upon the government to force banks to lower mortgage rates to 1%, allow all mortgage owners a 2 year non repayment period, and provide subsidies to any company unable to afford bonus payments to senior executives.

Next up was employment specialist Terry Bull who suggested a mass surveillance programme, where all unemployed would be offered a job watching Moslems to ensure there was no suspicious behaviour going on in our shores. If there proved to be an insufficient number of Moslems to create full employment, he suggested extending the group to include anyone of non Maori or European origin.

Pita Bread, the leader of the Maori Party, welcomed this idea and added his belief that no-one would suspect they were being watched if they saw a group of Maoris hanging around on street corners appearing to do nothing.

Reserve Bank Governor Allan Bollux made a rousing speech in which he roundly condemned the legacy of the Labour Party in NZ who had, he said, singlehandedly brought the economies of the western world to their knees through their incompetence and economic mismanagement. He singled out Michael Cullen as the man who had brought about the global depression.

After a short musical interlude featuring Don McGlashan and The Hamilton Boys Pipe Band, the summit was brought to a close with a summation by Sir Roger Gnomic, who advocated a return to privatisation as the best way forward.

The end for more bankers

A band of bankers hiding out in the Uruweras have been hunted down and summarily executed, according to a statement made by prime minister Michael Culling today. The bankers, believed to be members of the Lehman and Merrill tribes, were surprised by members of a government debtribution squad in the early hours of the morning.

Since banking became an illegal activity in 2009, thousands of pinstriped fugitives all around the world have been ruthlessly eliminated by official purges and vigilante mortgagee-sale groups.
“These rich pricks have got what they deserved”, crowed a triumphantly self satisfied Culling. “They were merchant bankers in every sense of the phrase”

Culling swept to power in late 2008 when opposition to the Green Labour party collapsed after revelations that National leader Don Key was in fact the love child of then leader PM Helen Clock and maverick politician Winston Cheaters.

Culling’s unopposed leadership bid gave him an absolute majority in parliament, and allowed him to make banking, share-broking and successful pension fund management punishable by death. He introduced the maximum wage legislation shortly afterwards, and ended his first term with sweeping reforms limiting access to government accounts.

The Detribution Squads were formed shortly afterwards, and since then have relentlessly pursued “rich pricks” at Dr Culling’s behest. Over 12,000 are thought to have died in NZ alone, and many more are interned in the so called Monetary Policy Camps.

Few are believed to remain at liberty, and this morning’s news will place further pressure on those still in hiding to face trial rather than risk “bush judgement”.

In other news, the NZ$ fell sharply against the Zimbabwe Kwacha today.

Dancing with the Stars

The final episode of the 19th season of Dancing with the Stars came to a thrilling conclusion last night, when celebrity garbage collector Wai Pupmepu and partner Nerida Betham narrowly defeated former PM Helen Clarke and dancer Hayley Holt.

Clarke, who appeared distracted during the final by rumours of her romantic entanglement with judge Paul Bicurio, slipped twice during the Foxtrot and almost dropped Haley in the spectacular finish to their Tango.

Judges Brendan Cool and Craig Uphill-Gardner clashed several times in the show, most notably when scoring Helen Clarke’s freestyle routine. “Darrrrrling, it reminded me of a broken wheelbarrow race”, said Craig, but Brendan told viewers “I loved it, it was exactly what freestyle would be, ignore Craig, he’s menopausal”.

It was a memorable night for perennial host Jason Gunn, hosting his 150th episode of Dancing with the Stars (he missed two whilst suffering a reaction to his leg implants in series 6) and as usual his cheeky grin, boyish demeanour and constant on-camera presence enabled him to steal the show. Co-host Nosecandy Line, however, did nothing to assuage the rumours she is back on the bottle, failing to read the autocue correctly with monotonous regularity (something long time viewers will be used to) and twice forgetting to bend her knees so that she looked smaller than Jason. She did delight her fans, however by revealing that she will undergo her 7th boob job before the next series.

Despite complaints that the Stars were weaker this year than before, producers of the show are planning to press ahead with a 20th season, and have promised a fresh judging line up. Insider say this means that Alison Leopard will be sacked and replaced by Nosecandy Line, whilst Nosecandy will be replaced as co-host by someone significantly shorter and with good reading skills.

Death from a thousand cuts

With one week to go until the election, Prime Minister Helen Clock has announced she will be removing income tax altogether.

Speaking on the Wiggles Election Special, she announced the change after learning that she had been misinformed by Treasury for the past 12 years over the role on income tax.

“I was always under the impression that income tax was a big earner for the government, but since the brain drain got out of control, and mass emigration to Australia has reduced the population to 177, I gather we make a great deal more from the Reserve Bank punting on the Forex markets”, she told the Yellow Wiggle.

Cynics, led by opposition leader Don Key, have been quick to accuse the PM of attempting to curry favour with voters, and Mrs Clock reluctantly acknowledged that there might be some truth in her words.

“The honourable member has been in politics, and in opposition long enough to know how low I will stoop to win”, she responded. Those who have remained in NZ are generally 5 cans short of a six pack and are likely to take the removal of income tax, and any spurious reasons I cook up to make it look credible, at face value and vote for me”.

National were quick to respond with a new policy announcement of the introduction of reverse income tax – the more you earn, the more the government pay you, but with all 177 Kiwis on full benefit, political commentators felt it was unlikely to prevent Mrs Clock achieving a record 9th term.

In other news, Winston Cheaters, the deputy PM, has been arrested in Fiji as part of a thwarted attempt to assassinate Military Leader Frank Bananarama