A band of bankers hiding out in the Uruweras have been hunted down and summarily executed, according to a statement made by prime minister Michael Culling today. The bankers, believed to be members of the Lehman and Merrill tribes, were surprised by members of a government debtribution squad in the early hours of the morning.
Since banking became an illegal activity in 2009, thousands of pinstriped fugitives all around the world have been ruthlessly eliminated by official purges and vigilante mortgagee-sale groups.
“These rich pricks have got what they deserved”, crowed a triumphantly self satisfied Culling. “They were merchant bankers in every sense of the phrase”
Culling swept to power in late 2008 when opposition to the Green Labour party collapsed after revelations that National leader Don Key was in fact the love child of then leader PM Helen Clock and maverick politician Winston Cheaters.
Culling’s unopposed leadership bid gave him an absolute majority in parliament, and allowed him to make banking, share-broking and successful pension fund management punishable by death. He introduced the maximum wage legislation shortly afterwards, and ended his first term with sweeping reforms limiting access to government accounts.
The Detribution Squads were formed shortly afterwards, and since then have relentlessly pursued “rich pricks” at Dr Culling’s behest. Over 12,000 are thought to have died in NZ alone, and many more are interned in the so called Monetary Policy Camps.
Few are believed to remain at liberty, and this morning’s news will place further pressure on those still in hiding to face trial rather than risk “bush judgement”.
In other news, the NZ$ fell sharply against the Zimbabwe Kwacha today.
Monday, October 6, 2008
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Dancing with the Stars
The final episode of the 19th season of Dancing with the Stars came to a thrilling conclusion last night, when celebrity garbage collector Wai Pupmepu and partner Nerida Betham narrowly defeated former PM Helen Clarke and dancer Hayley Holt.
Clarke, who appeared distracted during the final by rumours of her romantic entanglement with judge Paul Bicurio, slipped twice during the Foxtrot and almost dropped Haley in the spectacular finish to their Tango.
Judges Brendan Cool and Craig Uphill-Gardner clashed several times in the show, most notably when scoring Helen Clarke’s freestyle routine. “Darrrrrling, it reminded me of a broken wheelbarrow race”, said Craig, but Brendan told viewers “I loved it, it was exactly what freestyle would be, ignore Craig, he’s menopausal”.
It was a memorable night for perennial host Jason Gunn, hosting his 150th episode of Dancing with the Stars (he missed two whilst suffering a reaction to his leg implants in series 6) and as usual his cheeky grin, boyish demeanour and constant on-camera presence enabled him to steal the show. Co-host Nosecandy Line, however, did nothing to assuage the rumours she is back on the bottle, failing to read the autocue correctly with monotonous regularity (something long time viewers will be used to) and twice forgetting to bend her knees so that she looked smaller than Jason. She did delight her fans, however by revealing that she will undergo her 7th boob job before the next series.
Despite complaints that the Stars were weaker this year than before, producers of the show are planning to press ahead with a 20th season, and have promised a fresh judging line up. Insider say this means that Alison Leopard will be sacked and replaced by Nosecandy Line, whilst Nosecandy will be replaced as co-host by someone significantly shorter and with good reading skills.
Clarke, who appeared distracted during the final by rumours of her romantic entanglement with judge Paul Bicurio, slipped twice during the Foxtrot and almost dropped Haley in the spectacular finish to their Tango.
Judges Brendan Cool and Craig Uphill-Gardner clashed several times in the show, most notably when scoring Helen Clarke’s freestyle routine. “Darrrrrling, it reminded me of a broken wheelbarrow race”, said Craig, but Brendan told viewers “I loved it, it was exactly what freestyle would be, ignore Craig, he’s menopausal”.
It was a memorable night for perennial host Jason Gunn, hosting his 150th episode of Dancing with the Stars (he missed two whilst suffering a reaction to his leg implants in series 6) and as usual his cheeky grin, boyish demeanour and constant on-camera presence enabled him to steal the show. Co-host Nosecandy Line, however, did nothing to assuage the rumours she is back on the bottle, failing to read the autocue correctly with monotonous regularity (something long time viewers will be used to) and twice forgetting to bend her knees so that she looked smaller than Jason. She did delight her fans, however by revealing that she will undergo her 7th boob job before the next series.
Despite complaints that the Stars were weaker this year than before, producers of the show are planning to press ahead with a 20th season, and have promised a fresh judging line up. Insider say this means that Alison Leopard will be sacked and replaced by Nosecandy Line, whilst Nosecandy will be replaced as co-host by someone significantly shorter and with good reading skills.
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