Death from a thousand cuts

With one week to go until the election, Prime Minister Helen Clock has announced she will be removing income tax altogether.

Speaking on the Wiggles Election Special, she announced the change after learning that she had been misinformed by Treasury for the past 12 years over the role on income tax.

“I was always under the impression that income tax was a big earner for the government, but since the brain drain got out of control, and mass emigration to Australia has reduced the population to 177, I gather we make a great deal more from the Reserve Bank punting on the Forex markets”, she told the Yellow Wiggle.

Cynics, led by opposition leader Don Key, have been quick to accuse the PM of attempting to curry favour with voters, and Mrs Clock reluctantly acknowledged that there might be some truth in her words.

“The honourable member has been in politics, and in opposition long enough to know how low I will stoop to win”, she responded. Those who have remained in NZ are generally 5 cans short of a six pack and are likely to take the removal of income tax, and any spurious reasons I cook up to make it look credible, at face value and vote for me”.

National were quick to respond with a new policy announcement of the introduction of reverse income tax – the more you earn, the more the government pay you, but with all 177 Kiwis on full benefit, political commentators felt it was unlikely to prevent Mrs Clock achieving a record 9th term.

In other news, Winston Cheaters, the deputy PM, has been arrested in Fiji as part of a thwarted attempt to assassinate Military Leader Frank Bananarama

They can't tame Iti

Prime Minister Tame Iti was yesterday forced to intervene to break up a mass brawl between members of his Tutoe Zoutdapram party and opposition MPs from both Labour and National, which broke out on the floor of the debating chamber in the Beehive.

Iti was compelled to draw his revolver and fire a number of shots over the heads of the fighting politicians, in the process inadvertently killing a woodpigeon which was roosting in the rafters.
A Forest and Bird spokesperson, Johnny Greentree, said they expected to bring a private prosecution against Mr Iti for unlawfully killing a protected species.

It is understood that the fight broke out after former NZ middleweight champion Trevor Duck accused Tutoe member Tau Rag of having belonged to too many parties during his political career.

“Are Uruwera which party to vote for”, he punned. Mr Rag crossed the floor (again) and landed a straight left to Mr Duck’s chin. Former PM Helen Clark immediately came to the aid of Mr Duck and felled Mr Rag with a steely glare and a grab of the testicles, which was a signal for general mayhem.

The speaker declared it to be a conscience fight, allowing a number of old scores to be privately settled; colleague grappled with colleague and Dr Don Brush took the opportunity to give Bill English an good hiding using Karate techniques learnt, apparently, from his first wife.

Iti alone remained aloof from the scrap, which he later decried as the sort of thing best left in training camps, until just before2pm – the time at which TV cameras begin their live broadcasts. He then drew his pearl handled colt 45, a gift from US President George X Bush, and fired 4 shots in the air.

The final casualty of the whole affair was Rodney Hide, who ironically was hiding behind the Speakers chair; the dead pigeon landed on his head, knocking him out and dislodging his new toupee in the process.