Swine flu over the cuckoo's breast

A slip of the tongue has had disastrous consequences for the NZ wine industry.

The decision to destroy over 1billion bottles of carefully stockpiled wines, including some outstanding central Manukau Pinot Noirs and rare Southland merlot - viogniers, was taken at a NZ Wine Association’s emergency meeting as one of a number of measures introduced to combat what was thought to have been a virulent outbreak of Wine Flu.

David Gnarlyvine, the CEO, had been listening to the radio at home in his King Country farm when he overheard a news item which gave him grave concerns. “The World Health Organisation has declared a Wine Flu pandemic! Or so he thought.

Displaying the sort of agility which got him elected in the first place, Gnarlyvine instantly convened a meeting of the board, at which only he was present. Under emergency powers granted to the Wine Association president after last year’s S&P (Sips and Pours) downgrade of Kiwi wine, he was able to declare the meeting quorate and took what now appears to be a rather hasty decision. A phone call to the stockpile centre in Hamilton lead to the instant incineration of over a billion unsold bottles of NZ’s finest.

It was only later that day when his hearing aid was returned from the menders that he realised his mistake, after which he offered his instant resignation.

“David Gnarlyvine has been, until this unfortunate event, a good servant to the NZ wine industry”, said president elect Bob Screwtop - Cork. “But as we in the industry say, he really Chateau Vidaflore with this one”.

A phone call to the WHO in Geneva revealed that there is a yet no Wine Flu epidemic, although they refused to rule out the possibility at some future date.

In the meantime, Swine Flu fever continues to grip NZ, with over 1m confirmed cases. Minister for Pandemics Rodney Hideanseek today issued a statement regretting the destruction of the domestic wine industry but praising the vigilance, albeit mistaken, which led to this unhappy event. “It’s this sort of quick thinking which will have us near the top of the WHO health league tables”, he said; “It’s good to see us once again punching above our weight as a small country”