Scaling the Summit

The government’s much vaunted Jobs Summit has opened with a powerful speech by PM Don Key calling for “a better, fairer New Zealand in which the rich can get richer and damn the consequences”

He was followed by economist Joe King, who called upon the government to force banks to lower mortgage rates to 1%, allow all mortgage owners a 2 year non repayment period, and provide subsidies to any company unable to afford bonus payments to senior executives.

Next up was employment specialist Terry Bull who suggested a mass surveillance programme, where all unemployed would be offered a job watching Moslems to ensure there was no suspicious behaviour going on in our shores. If there proved to be an insufficient number of Moslems to create full employment, he suggested extending the group to include anyone of non Maori or European origin.

Pita Bread, the leader of the Maori Party, welcomed this idea and added his belief that no-one would suspect they were being watched if they saw a group of Maoris hanging around on street corners appearing to do nothing.

Reserve Bank Governor Allan Bollux made a rousing speech in which he roundly condemned the legacy of the Labour Party in NZ who had, he said, singlehandedly brought the economies of the western world to their knees through their incompetence and economic mismanagement. He singled out Michael Cullen as the man who had brought about the global depression.

After a short musical interlude featuring Don McGlashan and The Hamilton Boys Pipe Band, the summit was brought to a close with a summation by Sir Roger Gnomic, who advocated a return to privatisation as the best way forward.